Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
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Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
the prophecies have been fulfilled
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
There is no “we” in chocolate.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.