When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
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It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*