The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
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So inspired right now.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.