Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
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there has never been a better use of this meme
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
The devil.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?