Omg like wtf
-me, praying
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You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child