cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
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Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this