I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
You Might Also Like
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.