My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
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Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
*offers Batman cough drops*
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Cats are still liquid.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.