Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
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kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.