Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
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The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.