getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
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just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were