[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
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I am yelling
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
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<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*