Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
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Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!