Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
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Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.