me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
You Might Also Like
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.