I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
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Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”