My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
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If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.