We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
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Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
SPLOOT
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.