[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.