“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
You Might Also Like
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
mentally somewhere in italy
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit