Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
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don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
#Caturday
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*