People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
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I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.