The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
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Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I finally found a reason to live again.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!