People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
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*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
“TGIM!” – My liver
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.