Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
You Might Also Like
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset