The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
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[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
My Plans 2020
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
The asteroid..