My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
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You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.