Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Every damn time
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
just left a huge legacy in there
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.