Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
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VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Banking tips
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.