What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
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I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.