ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
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My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.