Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
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Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.