I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
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DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand