Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
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My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic