Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
You Might Also Like
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you