The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
You Might Also Like
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*