Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
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Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.