I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
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*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
me refusing to leave twitter
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
pictures of spider-man
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*