‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
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My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.