A gym so fancy they call it a James.
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*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
BETRAYAL
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Previously On Persistence 😎
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.