oh you like architecture? name three walls
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ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Watermelon Boss!
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.