me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
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the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Lube but for my dry humor.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough