So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
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Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?