Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
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fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here