Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
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I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.