Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
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do what now??
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.