If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
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Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
man: wait
time: no
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”