The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
You Might Also Like
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
*bites zombie*
Just a phase…
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.