{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
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I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I did not eat the cake…
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Shortcut
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies