[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
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I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
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